No-Knead Food Processor Challah

As I said last week, Tilzer, in some sort of psychic attunement, sent me a recipe for Challah at the very second I was pointing out how many (or rather how few) recipes I had left. No-Knead Food Processor Challah, to be exact.

I have not made Challah before. In fact, I'm not sure I have made bread before. Usually I buy bread, but if you want to make bread in my house, you do it like this:

Me: "Josh!"
Josh: "Yes."
Me: "Will you make bread please?"
Josh: "Yes."

Then clink clink clunk clunk, "Heather, where is the--never mind, I found it," buzz, buzz, whir, beeep, feet happily running up the stairs, "Bread's ready!"

These are the perks of marrying a man so excited about bread making that he actually came into the relationship with his own bread maker. And also explains why we have about 300 packages of active dry yeast in the pantry. However, yesterday Josh's tenure as the sole bread-maker in the house was up. Fitting, I guess, that I cut my teeth on Challah. I mean, Josh might know how to make normal bread, but leave it to the Jewess wife to weave the ropes of the chosen people.

Being wet behind the ears, bread-making-wise, Tilzer obviously chose to send me the lowest fuss No Knead Food Processor Challah recipe, which I am sure is magnificent--if you have a food processor big enough to fit more than half a carrot. I, however, have mini-processor, so accommodations had to be made. Thankfully, this is not the first time I have had this issue, so I knew I could just sub out to the mixer. And amazingly at some point in the past few months Josh pointed out that one of the other two mystery attachments to the mixer (i.e., the non-beater ones), which have dwelt in ignominy so long at the bottom of my baking drawer that I didn't even remember they were actually mixer attachments, is the 'dough arm' or something like that. So I even pulled that baby out and used it.

Long story short, here are the things you want to know:

1. The Challah is slightly labor-intensive. This is because of all the do a little bit of work, then let it rise, then do some more work, then let it rise some more bullshit involved in making it. And possibly all non-bread maker bread? It's not so much labor-intensive, I guess, as you just have to allot a good portion of time during which you will be home. We were home all night, but I still had to stop playing Beatles Rock Band more than once to go attend to bread needs. Get it? Kneads? Hahaha. Ahem.

Do some shit to your dough. Then cover it in a damp tea towel.
Then do more shit to the dough.
Then cover it again in another wet tea towel.
Thank God I have an inappropriate amount of tea towels.

2. I am picky about bread. Not so much about type as about freshness. This is my recent realization that good, fresh bread makes all the difference in the world. Dead, preservative-filled crap that you keep in the fridge for 6 months doesn't make me want to eat a sandwich. Fresh, crusty stuff of nearly any variety, however, is lovely.

3. I like Challah. Of all types of bread, however, challah tops my own personal charts. This challah turned out pretty good. I know this because I kept nibbling pieces off it after it came out of the oven. And then had it again for breakfast and will use it for lunch. I could even taste the honey in it, and even though it was orange blossom honey it worked well. It was a little dense, but that is probably my fault and not the recipe's. Also the loaves came out a little long and thin, but that is undoubtedly because I rolled the ropes too long and thin and should better appreciate this next time so as to make stouter, plumper loaves.

Ultimately: Tilzer's Challah gets the thumbs up. I am sure this will improve with time/experience/a proper sized food processor.

Shalom Aleichem

Todd Tilzer's No-Knead Food Processor Challah for the Mixing Bowl Because Your Food Processor is Too Small

One (1/4 oz) pkg active dry yeast
1 tsp sugar
1/4 cup warm water
4 1/2 cups flour, unbleached all-purpose or bread flour
2 tsp salt (Kosher!)
3 egg yolks, plus 1 egg yolk beaten with 2 tsp water
1 cup hot water
1/3 cup honey (+ more to taste)
2 tbsp oil (canola)
sesame or poppy seeds (hell no)

1. Dissolve yeast and sugar in warm water. Stir and frown because yeast is not dissolving. Set aside until bubbly. Frown more because it is not bubbling. Stare at it a lot worriedly while you measure out other things as it refuses to either dissolve or bubble. Decide it must be a dud and throw it away, thanking heaven (or Josh) for the fact that you have 3400 packages of yeast in your pantry.

Try again, this time with warmer water (It may be possible that you had measured out the water and then let it sit for too long and thus is got too cool before. Maybe. Probably.). Yeast and sugar immediately dissolve and bubble. Still fret that the bubble isn't bubbly enough. Get Josh's knowledgeable sign off: "Yes, that yeast is active." Score.

With metal blade in place add flour and salt to processor; pulse four times. Or rather, try to dump a fraction of the flour into the processor, confirm that there is no way in Hell you are going to get it all in there, and dump the whole thing into the mixer. Experience the joy of attaching the pastry arm and set it to mix at medium for what you think approximates four pulses. God knows.

Add 3 egg yolks, the hot water, (orange blossom) honey (that you had to thaw in a bowl of hot water for a while because it had solidified in the refrigerator where you'd put it last summer to hide it from the kitchen ants) and oil. Notice that the honey is still quite condensed, so lord knows how much you are actually using, but it is probably quite a bit more than what would be the 1/3+ cup were it not still kind of a paste. Pulse four times (or whatever).

Add yeast. Process until ball forms and/or Josh comes by and says, "Don't knead the shit out of it," which is unfortunate because there are still some hunks of unmixed honey peeking out. If too sticky (yes), add flour by the tbsp (or just a little and then pretend it's good enough). Process 1 minute more.

2. Place dough in greased bowl; turn to grease top, which is difficult as the ball is still a little too sticky and therefore somewhat unruly. Cover with a damp tea towel (oh tea towels) and let rise in warm place until doubled, 1-2 hours, which is hilarious because it is never noticeably that much bigger to you so what the hell? Go downstairs and eat dinner and attempt to play Beatles Rock Band drums on hard (you are amazing). *Meanwhile, lightly grease two 8x4" loaf pans (no).

3. Begrudgingly abandon your drumming. Punch down dough. Divide in half. Divide one half into three balls. Roll each ball into a rope with palms of hands, which becomes increasingly difficult as more dough sticks to your hands making them stickier. Dump some flour on the balls to tame them.

Braid 3 ropes to form challah. Repeat with second half of dough. Place loaves in prepared pans (no), or on greased cookie sheet (yes) or ungreased cookie sheet with parchment paper (no), and cover with a towel (shocker). Let rise in warm spot until doubled, 1 to 1 1/2 hours. Watch season premiere of Big Love. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

4. Brush egg yolk and water onto challah and sprinkle with seeds (or not--definitely not! who does this?! sacrilege!!). Run bath water, which you then let overflow slightly and leak onto the bathroom floor. Woops. Bake 25-30 minutes, until nicely browned, which it is, and bottom of challah sounds hollow when tapped, which it doesn't, probably because it is too dense. Let cool on wire rack.

*Optional.