BBQed Hawaiian Chicken

So, I had written a whole entry about my mother's BBQed Hawaiian Chicken and was all set to go. I started with a lovely little bit about how we entered the final section: BBQs and blah blah blah.

Although the entry was fine, it was also missing the best story about it. You see, my mother's BBQed Hawaiian Chicken recipe is one of my favorites. It's tasty and tangy and probably coats your arteries with an inappropriate amount of goo. It also contains onions--in the form of Lipton Onion Soup Mix, but still, onions nonetheless.

The first time I learned this fact was probably when I was in college. I liked the recipe and asked for it. She started telling me how to make it. "Well, you mix in the Russian dressing and the preserves..." Then her voice got hushed and her eyes got shifty, "And you put in Lipton Onion Soup Mix."

"Yeah, okay," I said, not getting it. She looked me in the eyes. "Your father doesn't know."

"WHAT?!" I said.

"You can't tell him," she giggled desperately. "If he finds I've been feeding him onions all these years, he'll divorce me."

I quickly realized she was probably right and promised lifelong secrecy. You see, here's the thing: my father hates onions. Despises them. Not, like, in a childish way. If they, say, touch his salad, he will move them off and then still eat it. But he enjoys informing everyone within earshot that he will barf should he be forced to eat them. He also enjoys informing people that the best way to handle a snake in your house is to burn down your house, but I digress.

The point here is this: My mother's BBQed Hawaiian Chicken recipe contains onion soup mix. And my mother has been making this recipe for 40 years or something like that--and feeding it to my father. Without telling him about the onions.

When she realized I was embarking on this Recipe Book Project, at some point she said: I think that chicken recipe is in there. I quickly assured her that she shouldn't worry. I'd just skip it. She generously offered that it would be okay either way, but I promised to keep the onion secret and the onion secret I was going to keep.

Then when we found the recipe in the book--at the opening of the BBQ chapter--I told Josh I was going to skip it. He suggested I just list the onion soup mix as "secret ingredients redacted" or something like that, which it seemed was actually quite a sound idea. I took his advice, cooked the chicken wings, and wrote up my entry that way, figuring I could just offer to divulge the "secret," which is really only a secret from my father, to anyone who wanted to try them should they ask.

I emailed the 'secret ingredients' text to my mother for her approval and waited. This is the response I got:

'Thank you for not wanting to blow my cover with the chicken wing recipe. I always felt bad about serving it to Dad, but a funny thing happened on my way to reading your email...Dad needed to get into my hotmail account, we saw your email and opened it together. Dad read the first sentence and said,"What the hell is she talking about?"

So, I told him and he said he already knew that and used to scrape most of it off! I never saw him do that. In any case,the "secret ingredients" are no longer a secret, Dad and I are still married, and you can write your blog without worrying about my going to the poor house. :)
Love,
Mom
p.s...not to worry, Dad was smiling.'

Which, frankly, makes sense. I mean, it's not like those onion bits are subtle. You can totally see them. Still, hilarious.

The worst part about this is, I actually contemplated the possibility that he would for some reason or another see her email and therefore resisted the urge to refer to it even by 'onion soup mix' and was just alluding to it (until the very end, at which point I broke down and called it by it's proper name just for clarity's sake). I mean, after all it is her email; there is only so much I can do. If she is going to let other people read it, that's her prerogative.

So goes the caper of the Onion Soup Mix.

Almost worth getting divorced over

Rechelle's Not So Secret Hawaiian BBQed Chicken

1 12 oz jar apricot preserves
1 8 oz bottle Wishbone Russian salad dressing (red)
1 envelope Lipton Onion Soup Mix
1 lg package chicken wings

Go to grocery store for ingredients, where you notice that not only is your mother specifying sizes of preserves & dressing, but that she is specifying sizes that do not appear to exist. Go with the sizes you usually use/can find, which is 16 oz dressing and 18 oz preserves. NB: You would tease your mother about her usual brand-loyalty in specifying Wishbone dressing, but in this case it makes sense--most other Russian dressing is that creamy orange kind (like Thousand Island with relish). This recipe calls for the red kind (like Catalina with an extra twang), which is, you must say, Wishbone's brand.

Enjoy the hilarity of 'one lg package chicken wings' because that is just not specific at all. Since there are only small packages of 'party wings' at the ghetto grocery, get two of those, and determine party wings are delightfully petite wings. Cute.

Cover bottom of large baking pan with aluminum foil. Place two wire racks on top of aluminum foil to take up entire length of pan. Wonder what the hell your mother is talking about, as A. you have always just made this by putting the wings directly onto the pan, B. can't figure out the benefit of doing the aluminum foil/wire rack method, and C. what size racks is she talking about? One of my wire racks, which are cookie/cake cooling racks, is more than enough.

Seriously, where would the second one go?

Combine everything but the chicken in a large bowl. Rinse chicken wings thoroughly under very hot water (because my mother is certain that 'chicken comes dirty,' which I suppose it does, and only the best scalding will prevent inevitable death) and add them to the mixture, covering them completely with the mixture. Cover bowl and refrigerate at least one hour while you and Josh go for a walk with the dog to fight the fat asses this Recipe Book Project appears to have summoned.

Place chicken wings on wire rack in baking pan because this is the Recipe Book and you will do it the Recipe Book Way if you can, but really, it's fine sans rack and tinfoil. Leave room at edges so that sauce doesn't drip onto interior of oven, or ignore that because that's what oven cleaning is for. Using a spoon, cover each chicken wing with sauce. Place in pre-heated 350 degree oven. Cook for approx 1 hour or until chicken wings are browned (45 minutes), it turns out. Eat, undoing all the good you did on that walk.

Write blog, referring to onion soup mix as 'secret ingredients.' Mail said blog to your mother for approval before going live. Have mother out herself. Rewrite blog. She would not be a good spy.

Rechelle note: You can also grill these on the gas or charcoal grill if you prefer. To do this, cook chicken wings until nearly tender, turning occasionally. Brush with sauce. Cook 15 minutes more, basting occasionally. I always used the oven baking process.

Heather note: Hmm, does sound good on the grill...