Herbed Risotto

Hello blog-ites. Had a busy weekend with lots of opportunities to make recipes and feed them to willing guinea pigs, including wee dinner party here on Saturday night. But, I didn't.

Josh's parents were here and we were simply too busy having fun doing other things like getting chased around by overzealous security guards at the Norton Simon Museum (who, in case you are wondering, evidently have a thing against purses that look like backpacks and enjoy insisting that if you wear them over one shoulder instead of two the world will be safe). So I punted and ordered pizza. Your loss.

BUT. Life is back to normal again and last night I made Herbed Risotto for Josh. By all rights and means I should not have made it last night because it would have paired, I think, at least decently with the salmon in the fridge, and Josh didn't want to cook last night, and the salmon is a grill/Josh terrain. Which means that the salmon will wait, and I was making buffalo wing chicken tender things--a completely perfect compliment to Herbed Risotto. Not.

This recipe is from one of Josh's oldest friends, Mark, who is both an insane triathlete and the very definition of still waters running deep. Mark is a very quiet guy, but there is obviously a lot going on underneath his otherwise placid surface because when he stays at our house he will leave us these unbelievably hilarious notes that make me lose my mind.

To wit, the recipe he gave us for the recipe book looks like this:

Do you see what I mean?

I simply adore him. And he and Josh have been friends for so long that when he comes to visit all the way from Wisconsin, we take him on fascinating tours of things like 'going to the local garden shop to help us pick out lawn plantings'. Because when you've been friends with someone since the first grade and used to help each other pick the other one's nose, that totally flies. Not that they ever did that, I just imagine they did in my sick mind.

ANYHOW. Mark's recipe. Herbed risotto. Which is further amusing because I am pretty sure it isn't actually risotto. As you are well aware, my knowledge of food isn't exactly, how do you say, vast. But I think that risotto is actually a pasta shaped like a rice or something to that effect. And as I recall it should be mui soupy. As this recipe is actually arborio rice fancied up in pseudo-soup clothes, I think this is more 'Mock Herbed Risotto' than 'Herbed Risotto.' Which is fine. I mean, people like imitation crab meat, so why not imitation risotto?

I also am pretty sure I've made this recipe before. This is not based on any notes in the margin telling me how I liked it, or actual memory of making it, but by the presence of an already-opened bag of arborio rice in my cupboard. Frankly, there is no other reason why I would have that in my cupboard, which must mean I made it.

As there were no notes in the margins, that also can't mean it blew my mind either way, which basically jives with how it came out this time. That is to say not mind-numbingly good, not horrifyingly bad, just decent. Quite rich, actually, and probably healthier than the usual stripped-of-all-nutrients box rice I often make. I imagine it might have made more of a splash had I persuaded Josh to make the salmon after all, but it was a playoff game night last night so I think it was okay to let him off the BBQ hook.

And now, I will attempt to decipher Mark's imaginative instructions for you so you can find out for yourself.

Pass the Hooters wings please

Mark's Mock Herbed Risotto

1 onion*
3/4 cup arborio rice
2 cups chicken stock (I am willing to bet that if you are a vegetarian, you can do veggie stock and it will also be fine. See how much I am learning through this blog thing?)
1 pound mushrooms (diced? whole? who knows?)
1 tomato, diced
1/4 cup cream
1 tbsp rosemary (fresh? dried? who knows?)
1/8 cup basil (fresh? dried? who knows?)
Parmesan cheese (a wedge? a bag? who knows?)

Saute one onion in butter until tender. Presume Mark wants you to chop up the onion and not just lump the whole thing, skin and all, into the pan.

Open bag of arborio rice carefully, terrified of moths that might leap at your face. Breathe sign of relief when this does not happen. Add 3/4 cup arborio rice. Cook 1 minute then add 2 cups chicken stock (I will classify this recipe as vegetarian because of the easy adjustment to veggie stock. Amaaazing).

Simmer (with cover). No stirring. No peeking. Until tender. Wonder, how the hell am I supposed to know it's tender if I can't peek? Think to self, 'Self, I bet 'tender' means about 20 minutes.' Further think to self, 'Self, you know this because boxed rice usually cooks for about 20 minutes.' Finally think to self, 'You are very attractive today.'

Meanwhile, cook mushrooms in olive oil. Fold into rice when tender (the mushrooms? the rice? which one is tender?). Think, 'I bet I am supposed to chop these mushrooms.' Think, 'Too bad I didn't pay more attention to the recipe before and only half half a pound of mushrooms instead of a whole pound.'

Add: tomato, diced. Think, 'Huh, it doesn't actually say "one", but there is a picture of one tomato, so hope they only want one.' Then think, 'Too bad I only bought small cherry tomatoes,' and chop up a bunch of them so that they are roughly equivalent to one normal sized tomato. Decide to put them in with the mushrooms on the skillet because if there is to be any hope that you will eat this recipe, the tomatoes must be cooked. You hate raw tomatoes.

Add 1/4 cup cream. Wonder if the heavy whipping cream you got was okay. There was half and half and heavy whipping cream at TJs when you went shopping, and nothing in between. Cross fingers and pour.

Add rosemary and basil. Suspect you should use fresh herbs and even debate about putting in the fresh rosemary you bought for this purpose, but decide you are lazy and just do dried for both.

Add Parmesan. More Parmesan. More. Even more. Yes. Still. Decide this specific quantity means the entire tub of grated parm you just bought. Oh well. Bye bye parm.

Mix up. Serve with buffalo wings. Eat. Think how tremendously fortunate you are that Josh is doing all these gross risotto dishes. Thank him profusely in your post.

*Onion chopping method: staying with the favorite Mike Milch's, thank you very much.