Green Jello Salad

Remember yesterday when I said I don't know anything?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I have been at this for some months now and yet, I still have no idea if I am going to like something or not. I mean, I think I know - I think I know all the time. And I love talking about it and how sure I am. And then I am wrong.

This week's entry into the 'Heather refuses to learn anything' sweepstakes is the Green Jello Salad, contributed by Michele, a friend of Josh's from the Peace Corps. As I A. do not like jello (unless it is in shots, in which case, obviously it is magnificent) and B. the rest of the ingredients look disgusting, I was about 100% certain this was going to be a complete waste of food.

Now I'm not being a drama queen here. The recipe essentially calls for jello, pineapple, cottage cheese, mayo and walnuts. And it comes out looking like lime green foam. In short, I have never understood why people make jello molds or eat jello in general, and this recipe got me no closer. Even Michele included the note 'look past the ingredients, it is delicious!' in the recipe. I had my doubts.

But, I persevered--if you can call it that. I forgot so many of the ingredients that Josh kept laughing as a 'Fuck!' and 'Mother of God!' repeatedly erupted from the kitchen. He saved the pineapple crisis (I bought two cans of crushed pineapple instead of one can of crushed pineapple and one can of pineapple juice) by hauling out the juicer and converting said offending can of pineapple into juice. I was no more hopeful. I discovered that we were all but out of mayo, and cobbled together the dregs of what I had to get as close to the prescribed 1 cup as possible while Josh pointed out that a really good way of making it not come out right was to deliberately sabotage the proportions.

I followed the ridiculous instructions, which involve some sort of weird specific alchemy that required that I put the evaporated milk (which I had also forgotten and needed Josh to make a special grocery trip for) in the freezer for a half hour. And then realized all too late that said Green Jello Salad was not going to be ready in time for dinner, and broke it to Josh gently, distracting him with more Corn, Corn, Corn Casserole and the promise of Jello the next day.

He took it like a champ, even going so far as to take the giant bowl to the downstairs beer & pizza fridge (jealous?) for me - the likelihood that I would trip and throw the whole mess down the stairs entirely too probable for either of our comfort. The next day Josh was so excited for the Green Jello Salad that he tried to come home for lunch to eat it. I refused to let him, claiming I had too much work to do before class to permit the interruption and telling him he would just have to control himself until dinner.

When dinner finally came and I could avoid eating it no longer, Josh cleared a special place of honor in the upstairs fridge. So sure was I of the Green Jello Salad's horribleness that I promptly put everything back in that space the second we took the bowl out to serve.

And then, begrudgingly, I took a bite.

And it was good.

Of course, I should have listened to Josh, who was gobbling it down and declaring its wonder. But for better or for worse, I don't listen to him all the time. Sometimes he's super right and something is wonderful, but then there are the times that he claims with all seriousness that the orangutan in Babe: Pig in the City should have an Oscar. And then you understand why I take his recommendations with a grain of (kosher) salt.

But this time, he was on the money. I simply do not understand it, how mayonnaise + jello = yum, but for God's sake it is true. It is hellacious lime green, light and foamy pineapple wonderfulness. Such wonderfulness that not only did I eat my whole serving of it last night, but I voluntarily had it again for breakfast this morning (yay! breakfast food! screw you, disappointing chocolate cake!), and will likely do so every morning until it is gone. And then, sometime in the future, I will make it again.

Yes, you heard me right. This weird-ass, Midwest-Sizzler-salad-bar-looking, processed-chemical-fuck-up recipe has my thumbs up. As it should have yours. Michele is right, 'Look past the ingredients, it is delicious!' Indeed.

And the award for greatest divergence
between how something looks and
how something tastes
goes to....

Michele's Effed Up But Totally Delicious Green Jello Salad

2 cups pineapple juice
1 large box lime jello
1 larg box lemon jello (or off brand grocery store generic jello, as a means to attempt unsuccessful sabotage)
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
2 cups crushed pineapple
2 very cold cups evaporated milk

Chill large bowl and beaters. Realize you do not have enough evaporated milk. Call Josh at work and have him bring more home.

Also realize you didn't buy pineapple juice. Let out stream of invectives. Have Josh run second can of crushed pineapple through his trusty and beloved juicer to make pineapple juice.

Heat pineapple juice and dissolve jello. Wonder if this means you are supposed to make jello with pineapple juice (i.e., adding water, boiling, etc). Decide it does not. Put juice on burner, toss in jello. Mix half-heartedly.

Combine and mix nuts, cottage cheese, mayo and pineapple. Control urge to vomit.

Mix juice/jello mix and cottage cheese mixture. Contine to control urge to vomit.

Make sure the evaporated milk is chilled (put it in a large bowl in the freezer for about 30 minutes). Realize that this instruction would have been nice at the top. Wait extra half hour for milk to chill sufficiently.

Beat evaporated milk with chilled beaters until stiff and milk peaks. Check.

Fold other ingredients in. Be pretty sure this is how they mixed up the green slime they used on You Can't Do This On Television.

Give bowl to less clumsy Josh to put in downstairs. Secretly root for his bad ankle to fold en route so it will spill and you won't have to eat it.

Chill overnight in refrigerator, or a couple of hours until firm. Never get over the shock of how horrid it looks and how good it tastes.

Michele says: 'A favorite recipe from Michele's great grandma Ingalls. This dish is always made for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Look past the ingredients, it is delicious!'

Heather says: 'When will I learn?'