Marinade for 'Hot Chicken'

The flip side of Cathy's Honolulu Soy Kabobs (literally, it's written on the back of the same card) is her recipe for a Hot Chicken Marinade. I would say I was dubious about this one for the same reasons -- big hunks of chicken, marinades generally disappoint, etc. -- but I had some hope thanks to the deliciosity (yes, I know it's not a word) of the soy kabobs. And this time my dubiousness -- of which of course there was some -- was a product of some of the ingredients.

Namely, the marinade calls for a cup of coffee in it. And while I do like coffee, I can't really stomach very much of it -- literally. The caffeine makes me insane and rips up my stomach lining. Josh, however, promised the marinade wouldn't get me hepped up, especially given that it wasn't going to marinate for 2 weeks or anything.

It turns out, as usual, that he was right and I was wrong. I did not have to fear the coffee. What I did have to fear, however, was the pepper.

You see, in addition to the coffee, Cathy's marinade calls for hot pepper flakes (i.e., the kind you put on your pizza--you, not me, I would never do that). That's not such a big deal in and of itself, but Cathy puts in a little note: toast the red pepper flakes in a frying pan for a few minutes on medium for added flavor.

That sounds harmless enough. Except she fails to mention that if you do that you are basically making pepper spray in your kitchen. I know this because after a couple of minutes the flakes started giving off a death vapor that immediately coated my lungs and made me cough uncontrollably.

You'd think that as both a Ph.D. in chemistry and someone who has presumably made this recipe before, Cathy would know this would happen. Which only leads me to conclude that she was trying to kill me.

WELL YOU FAILED! The joke is on you! I took the pepper flakes off the stove and survived! Ha-HA.

Also: I did not like the chicken. This could be because I did whole chicken breasts instead of the delightful kabobs. Or because I bore it ill will after the death vapor. Or, most likely, because I just didn't dig this marinade. I found it kind of harsh, which isn't surprising given that it is full of nasty stuff like coffee and pepper and just plain old hot, dry spice tends not to be in my accepted spectrum of yummy.

Josh, however, liked it, so he ate his chicken and then I fed him mine for left-overs.

So far, Cathy recipes = 1 and 1. Good thing she just sent me a bunch more. Hopefully none of them have poisonous chemicals only she knows about.

I'm just pleased I survived this stuff

Cathy's Death Marinade for Hot Chicken

1/2 cup soy sauce
1 cup strong coffee (brewed, not grounds!)*
1 clove garlic
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tbsp oregano flakes
1 tbsp red pepper flakes (can toast for added flavor)**
1/2 tsp pepper
1 tbsp sugar

Mix together. Realize when you are writing this that she didn't say to mince the garlic, which you did because that is generally what you are supposed to do.

Toast red pepper flakes in a frying pan for a few minutes on medium. Toss the pepper around in the dry pan a little bit after a minute. After minute two, try to do this again, but quickly be overcome by the death vapors you can see coming up from the pan. Note to self: PEPPER VAPORS ARE PROBABLY NOT A GOOD THING. Not if you want to do things like, say, breathe. And continue living.

Turn off stove and cough heartily. Live on to marinate chicken for 'bunches' of hours and grill. Call Josh out to supervise, but actually remember how to do things like Turn Grill On and whatnot yourself. You Are Learning to Grill!

Make chicken. Do not like chicken. Give chicken to Josh.

*I very much appreciate this note, as this is a mistake I clearly could make and if nothing else would surely debate. It's like she knew my thinking before the blog started. Could this be because she lived with me for four years?'

**No. Don't. Not if you want to live.

Cathy note: Great with mashed potatoes!

Heather note: Probably, but Josh hates potatoes. Woe is me.