Initially, this seemed like it was going to go well. I had all the ingredients save the cocoa powder, but that was available at the ghetto grocery (which, might I add, despite the fact that it has now almost fully de-ghetto-i-fied itself still is a magnet for crazy shoppers; yesterday I got to wait in line behind two completely lunatic and possibly drugged out hipsters and their child, featuring such Heather-fascinating details as white man with giant Native-American feather earrings and turquoise bracelets, wife totally zombified while slowly chewing her sandwich - with her mouth wide, wide open, and both taking up the entire conveyor belt with only their one, minuscule lunchable for their slightly spazzy kid while I stood behind them holding an increasingly heavy arm basket.)
I measured, I mixed, I floured, I poured. Voila, done. In the oven. I checked for done-ness with a chopstick (my testing weapon of choice), then set it for 10 more minutes. It was done. I took it out to cool.
Then.
Then all hell broke loose.
For starters, I evidently decided it was ready to leave the pan well before it was actually ready to leave the pan. I know this because this is what it looked like when I upended the pan to tip it out.
This is not fair at allWelcome to life as an adult who was not allowed much in the kitchen growing up. Shall I show you again what my friend Beth's baking triumphs look like?
Anyhow, I decided that at the very least, that it fell apart in such a matter was a good thing because you could see that it was quite moist inside, which is good news. Plus, it would be somewhat salvageable, would it not? I mean, I could probably cobble together a nice rectangular layer cake from a good portion of that, couldn't I?
At some point, I am going to learn to not be so optimistic. But yesterday was not that day. Learning my lesson now, I decided to let the remains of the cake cool fully. After all, we had a good couple of hours until Sarah & Steve arrived; they had just called from Santa Barbara at 6:30.
Well, not so much. It seems they entered some time-space anomaly and wound up getting here in like an hour during what would normally be peak rush hour time. The cake was still in its sad, previously shown state on the counter, and that was just no way to welcome friends.
So, I whipped into action. Josh distracted them with things like dinner leftovers and alcohol while I tried to perform the salvage operation. I cut what appeared to be two respectable rectangles. Slopped some frosting on the top of one, put the next one on, masonry-like, and then set to work frosting the rest. I mean, what can't frosting cover?
It turns out frosting can't cover a lot when you're using lemon frosting on chocolate cake that has not completely cooled and is more interested in donating its crumbly bits to the frosting than keeping them to itself where they belong. Josh came in to try to pinch hit, but at this point it was a sinking ship. We hauled out every last bit of icing we could find and went to town.
Sarah and Steve, ever the good sports, nearly shat themselves when we showed them their welcome cake. Despite being ardent followers of this blog, somehow they just weren't aware of what I meant when I said, 'This is going to be bad.' What's really unfair is that I swear to god I used to be decent at baking. I mean, not amazing, but I don't think I've screwed anything up this royally since I was 13. Or since I made the flan. But nonetheless, I'm not having a lucky streak these days, that is for sure.
One thing that must be said: despite it's aesthetic...uniqueness...the cake was proclaimed to taste very good by all involved. Josh even just had some more today (choosing it over the professional cake left over from my bday last week!). Steve claims that getting a good, home-made cake mix right is a big deal, so at least I have that going for me. I just have to learn to be a little (lot) more cautious on the de-panning part and then on the cooling part. I suppose baking a cake on a 100 degree day wasn't exactly giving myself a head start.
WowSeriously Ugly Duckling Chocolate Cake
2 cups white sugar
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2/3 cup margarine or butter
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1 cup cold water
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup warm/hot water (but not too hot)
Preheat oven to 350 F. Hope it doesn't make kitchen hotter than it already is, at least until you get the cake in the oven and can go downstairs.
Cream sugar, cocoa and margarine. Check.
Add eggs and vanilla. Beat very well. Check.
Add pinch of salt. Beat well. Check.
Alternately add flour and 1 cup cold water until very well mixed. Actually do this how it says instead of dumping them in each at once.
Dissolve 2 tsp baking soda in warm water (it is important that the water not be too hot or the soda will react and the cake will be flat). Add to rest of ingredients. Check.
Mix very well until smooth and silky. Or until mostly smooth and silky and a few chunky bits show themselves when you are pouring it out.
Pour into greased and floured 9x13" cake pan. Be mad you broke your springform by putting it in the dishwasher and/or don't have two of the same size to make a layer cake. Little do you know how prescient this feeling is.
Bake for 30-40 minutes, depending on oven (until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean). Or chopstick. Chopstick!
Tip over and break.
Frost when cooled, or well before it is cooled to make it look like a lunatic frosted the cake.
Rachel's frosting of choice is Betty Crocker chocolate - it compliments the cake well. Homemade frosting is another option. I used Betty Crocker lemon, which it turns out does not hide all evils, but tastes ok.
Rachel note: This cake is a definite crowd pleaser - perfect for birthdays and potlucks and everyday chocolate cravings. The recipe was given to my mom as a wedding present. I've made it a zillion times!
Heather note: Crowd pleaser indeed.
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